I’m waiting on a thin line
for an outcome I secretly dreamed;
perhaps this is the time
it finally happens to me?
But as I sit and stare ahead
at a patterned grey-washed wall,
I remember all the times I’ve bled
from begging, pleading this lonely call.
Once positive that this test
was surely different-
NO, unlike the rest-
to be, it’s finally meant…
But, as the seconds drag along,
I feel it from within;
outlandish wishes don’t belong
in a body so barren-
Oh look, it says not pregnant!
You and I,
we are like mirrors.
Your pain and mine –
a comedy of errors.
But neither of us are laughing,
yet- you still find joy,
like flip-flopping –
so puppy like and coy –
when we knew less of
Abandonment & Suffering.
You were there thru the push, shove
and crying my way to discovery
about life. This is what your
steady presence has taught me –
how to freely flow, pure
and unafraid to leave.
You waited what felt
like a lifetime to see me finally
fully Exhale.
All my late night pleas,
you’ve kept hidden in
your quiet knowing –
lick teardrops from my chin –
always ready for my going.
And gone we have been.
Here and there;
I’m afraid you have seen
more than your fair share
of violence this world
hides behind
cold walls- bodies curled
up tightly. I’d rewind
back to the start
when I first called you mine
despite broken heart;
you returned love in kind.
For, now I know that you
knew
I’d eventually choose
you, too.
But that’s not even
the point of this rhyme.
For, I know heaven
is saying it is time.
I’m not ready, I have cried
and I’ll cry ’til you die
and long after
Ive laid your body to rest.
Because I’m the first to admit
you’re the reason I didn’t quit
many times over the past
decade of bullshit.
You’re the reason I turned
tears and deep wounds,
set down things I could no longer carry,
into space and discern-
meant between “Not Now, But Soon.”
It’s why I’ll never be ready to bury
you into the ground
even if I know that
Hope Never Really Dies.
No, I know you’ll stay alive,
including our connection that
I’m just starting to realize
is one you initiated, not I,
when you took on the task
of being my witness and friend.
I’d go on for forever if
it meant I could stall
the inevitable call
I’ve left unanswered.
I would leave them on read
if it meant you never had to go-
but I see how you’ve gotten too slow
for this world despite meds.
So, I’ll wrap it up
just for now
because I still mean to disrupt
with a howl
of insistent protest. In prayer,
make you whole and eternal,
with me everywhere
not just in a journal.
Surely heaven is bound to reply
with a resounding yes!
Forever stay by my side
because without you I’ll be less
apt to brave it alone;
missing your headbutts and sighs,
farts and loud groans-
promise me you’ll never die!
Still, it’s the end,
here we are.
My all-time greatest friend.
I have one last request:
be honest, but please say yes –
instead of goodbye, see you soon –
as we depart
can we vow to call this
just the start?
Say Incest 